Secrets, Lies & Whore-like Tendencies:
The Skeleton Twins
(2014)
O God, were there two more insufferable cinematic characters this year than those in director Craig Johnson’s The Skeleton Twins? Not for me there weren’t; and yet this seems to put me in a minority. *Gasp!* That’s new! Still, I’m astonished at how many people like this film.
Basically, it’s about a twin brother and sister combo who, despite not having spoken to each other for a decade,–not to mention living on different coastlines– decide to commit suicide at roughly the same time. Unfortunately for the world, Milo (Bill Hader) is slightly ahead of schedule and Maggie (Kristen Wiig, so good in Bridesmaids) gets the news from the hospital that he has survived just in time to change her mind about her own decision.
Instead, she flies to California where she convinces him to come and spend time in New York with her and husband Lance (Luke Wilson).
Obviously this is going to be about the two estranged siblings bonding after their long hiatus; and since it is a comedy-drama (in theory) we can look forward to gradually finding out what dark incident took place in their past. And it is dark enough, at that; only, by this time we have gotten to know them and couldn’t really give a toss anyway. And you don’t really expect them to trample everyone in their way as they do, either.
Maggie is a flake and a slut. She’s got a husband who loves her and looks forward to having children with her; and despite the fact that she supposedly agrees with him, she is still lashing into the good old contraception pill on the side. She’s also sleeping with her smarmy, dislikeable scuba-diving coach. He’s incidental, though; before him it was the cookery teacher and before that…oh, you get the idea. Mention teaching and off come the knickers.
And that’s not me being judgmental, mind. Maggie would agree. She tells Milo that she’s a whore, which is a bit unfair on prostitutes as they generally regard what they do as a business and want paying.
Not Maggie. Just mention that you’re a teacher – any kind of teacher – and you’re away on a hack. Anyway, Milo doesn’t agree with his sister’s harsh self-assessment. He tells her:
“You’re not a whore. You’re a restless housewife with whore-like tendencies.”
Better, Milo; better.
As for him, don’t get me started. He’s a gay guy and the type who feel that they can make bitchy, snide remarks about all and sundry whilst coming over sensitive if anyone points out the beam in their own eye. I mean, Lance (husband to the tart) is really nice to him and all he gets are eye-raised one- liners. The bollix even bursts into the bedroom of the pair after a night of getting hammered, complaining about not getting any cock.
Lance should have bounced his head off the wall and booted him out.
Admittedly, Lance himself would drive you around the bend. He’s like Alex Baldwin in the Friends episode about the guy who sees some good in everything. That’s not normal and very, very irritating. He is a nice guy, however; so of course scriptwriters Johnson and Mark Heyman see that as an excuse to make a pure cod of him. Well, he didn’t deserve that. Yet we’re encouraged to find the Skeletons Twins quirky and amusing, especially during their very forced mimed musical routines. All involved should watch those two excellent Australian movies Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and Margot’s Wedding to see how that is done properly.
The twins are not quirky and they are sure as be-damned not amusing. But Jeezus pleezus, what they do have is a talent for bringing out my Inner Bitch with a vengeance.
Still, you will spend the entire movie hoping that they make up and stay together for life. Let’s be honest: who else would have them?
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